Its Mother’s Day once again, oh the feelings i have. I was raised by a caring mom who knew when to look away and step back, also when to step up and slap down. I was and am lucky. I have two beautiful children who are healthy and wonderful. So many blessings. Now for any of you who are in a rough spot you may wish to look away. I have a story to tell that hopefully will comfort some who have suffered as i have, if only because sometimes it feels like your alone. I have two beautiful children here on earth, but in my heart i have six. Pregnancy for me was not the easy thing it is for some. I don’t mean not easy like swollen feet can’t reach my shoes not easy. I mean my body refused to do what so many women’s does so naturally, carry a child to term. I suffered my first miscarriage with no explanations, the second the same. Each time it was explained away as some small thing that must have went wrong not likely to happen again. In my heart i grieved for this child who i lost, i cried real tears and suffered real pain. The third time i became pregnant we made it past the date on the calendar that said it was safe, the magic date that ment this time we would hold our child this time we could love in our arms that which we had made. He was born at twenty-five weeks after every effort to avoid it, i heard his small cry for the first and last time that day. Modern medicine was unable to circumvent what fate had in the cards. Three months later we buried our beautiful baby boy, it has been sixteen years and i still cry as i write this. A pastor came to the house to speak with us, told us we could try again ( horrible hollow words) and indicated if we had been legally married perhaps this would not of happened. That is the day my faith died. There was one more miscarriage after that, and i gave up hope. Many years later out of the blue we became pregnant again, we took every step we could and alas our wonderful daughter was born the fact that i could and might have died that day was a mere blip on my radar as i watched her grow and learn. The doctor said never again, but after five years of yearning i was pregnant once again. My water partly broke at twenty weeks, i saw it in the doctors eyes when she asked what i wanted to do. I said you do whatever you have to i want my baby. I want my baby. No less than a modern miracle i lasted three months in the hospital before she would wait no longer. Early and small she spent a month in the nicu before coming home with us. Today i watched her bumble and run at her second softball practice while her older sister complained about being bored. A happy Mother’s Day indeed. To those of you trying, the ones who have lost and the ones who have not ….Happy Mother’s Day . Hold all of your children in your hearts even if you can’t hold them in your arms.
So i think of myself as a pretty boring non inflammatory person, the type that has no hidden agenda or nefarious ideas. But sometimes you are online chatting or send a text that strikes you as ” oh that sounds bad” . You know the one where you have had a bad day and say ” wish that place would burn down before i have to clock in” or something to that effect. In the time of anyone could be listening i feel the need to give a little shout out to the fact i am indeed joking. NSA or the like i hope you don’t flag me as i would feel bad for anyone wading thru countless ” what do you want for dinner? I love you. Gtg ” type correspondence there may be an occasional pic to the hubby with to much cleavage but in the time of unlimited naughty available 24/7 on-line hardly a fair tradeoff. On the up side i think the fear of being labeled a terrorist has sped up the demise of the phrase ” you’re the bomb” . So there is always an upside. Can you hear me now..? I think maybe to make it easier on the mighty ears in the cloud i will start my own little abbreviation nnjj ( not nefarious just joking) so next time you see me say something i probably shouldnt like ” time to become that crazy hermit that lets no one near armed with a gun and certainty there is gold in them there hills” itll be ok because I’ll say nnjj like the social media equivalent of bless her heart or with all due respect. Maybe its just me being me….. Do any of you ever feel the need to clarify what is clearly questionable humor as indeed humor? Do you wonder who all sees that picture you sent, that comment you made, that txt to your sister?
As i watch my Facebook feed fill up with valentines ” look what my sweetie did” followed by pictures of floral arrangements i feel a bit of dismay. I have always said flowers are a waste of money, but when i get them i squee like a vapid girl. Hmmm history aside valentines is now a day to remember the people you love, and tell them you care. It feels strange to me that we need this holiday, and to be honest i normally do not participate. I love the people i love everyday, i try to tell them often and with true feeling. Please accept this beheaded plant as a token of my love for the year seems a bit hallow. Please let me be there when you are sick, sad, lonely, have a problem, let me be there for you when you need me. Love is not i remembered to make reservations, love is i killed that spider for you because i know they scare you. So please celebrate how ever you choose, enjoy your day spread love. Tomorrow when you wake up do it again celebrate your days all of them, show your love always. Because the societal construct fueling the ” valentines machine” maybe a flawed thing, but love….. Love is everything.
So i have been struggling lately on writing a post. My mind has been empty. completely and totally void of ideas. But here’s the thing there Is a lot going on in my life right now so i know the seemingly empty ness off my mind is because i have locked down compartmentalized and hidden away anything which may cause a crack in the facade . I do this with out conscious effort and normally to horrible results. I’m working on it, i have not forgotten you my faithful followers. Thank you for supporting my writing with thoughts and words of encouragement. I will leave you with this story .
My husband: did you cook an extra potato ( upon finding a baked potato in the microwave hours after dinner)
me: yah but im sure it’s still good
husband : i didn’t say it had gone bad
me : mental image of a baked potato holding up a convenience store with a hooker on its arm
me: laughing uncontrolably
my husband: ok then
The gifts are unwrapped the food has been consumed, the holiday is over. I spent time in the presence of family and the bosom of Baileys. I am exhausted. I am lucky for all of my blessings, but unable to fully embrace the coming new year. An endless cycle of ups and downs. Perhaps when i feel this way a post is not what i should be attempting, after all there is enough negative out in the world already. Leave this world a better place they say, at least your corner of it. This blog is my corner of the (web) world it’s not fancy but its mine. So i will leave you with some cute pet photos and be back another day with humor and stupidity to brighten my corner.
We are entering the cold unforgiving winter months, peppered by harsh winds and wet snows. The most troublesome weather for me however is the ice. The ice coats the roads, the steps, the sidewalks and streets making it a roller rink of oh hell no. When it covers my car in a thick layer reminiscent of the evil slime on the library in ghost busters, no amount of singing will break it free. It may come as no surprise that through the years i have been caught unprepared for the onslaught of winter. The first instance that comes to mind my door had frozen shut, completely and totally shut. I had to get to work, and this was pre YouTube so there were no helpful ” how to unfreeze your door” videos. So i boiled a pot of water, it was too small and froze instantly upon being carefully poured over the crack of my door. Obviously i was going to need a bigger pot and this time i added salt to keep it from freezing. This method did work but i have been told it was a horrible idea, also when removing said big pot from the stove top its important to remember to shut off the fire or the spilled something or other you had for supper the night before might ignight and start a small fire. My second run in with my icy nemesis was a year or two later when after a storm rolled thru i had to be at work at an ungodly hour for inventory. I had no scraper, there was no scraper buried in my husbands truck either( i had been very explicitly told my hot water trick would likely produce dire consequences if employed on a window so that was out) i rummaged throughout the house looking for an ice scraper like thing the closest i could come up with was a spatula from the kitchen drawer. It was not a very effective choice. After chipping a hole the size of my face in the front window i donned my husbands Elmer Fudd style hunting hat rolled the rest of the windows down to add some visibility and tore off to work at the break neck speed of idle. I made it exactly two blocks before i passed a police officer, i knew i was in the wrong and so was not surprised when he pulled me over. Heres the thing about me, when faced with the choice of admitting im wrong and false bravado i most often do the latter. He slipped and slides up to my already rolled down window and i smiled up at him win all my Fudd like innocence. The following is a recap of the conversation.
- Cop- do you know why i pulled you over?
- me- i have a pretty good idea
- cop- do you realy feel like it is safe to drive with your windshield like that? You can hardly see…
- me- i can see….. Kind of. And im late for work and i couldn’t find a scraper and i tried i realy realy tried, but all i could find was a spatula ( picture me brandishing a spatula in a cops face at four in the morning) a SPATULA! Do you know how hard it is to scrape your windows with a spatulas sooooo hard. Besides its horrible out here and it looks like it’s just you and me on the road so as long as you don’t swerve in front of me it is perfectly safe…
- cop- wait right here
- me in my head – great idiot guess who going to have to do a breathalyzer
- cop- here is a brand new ice scraper pull around the corner and do a better job
I was truly lucky to have such a forgiving officer pull me over if i was him i would have at least made that weird chick walk a line or something. I have mostly learned my lesson, there was that one time last year when i was dropping the kids off at school in my husbands truck and i cant reach the middle of the windshield so it was not properly scraped. Sorry kids but if the police tell you to pull over and do better you do it( even if you have to climb on the hood in your fuzzy pink pajamas while parked in front of the school to do so)
I love to sing and dance, but only when i am alone (mostly when im alone my censor is a bit twitchy so i sometimes just do/say things that should be shared only with loved ones or perhaps a therapist/ vocal instructor) I have a lovely voice perfectly suited to the shower and my vehicle.i sing almost exclusively the choirs, and sometimes not even that. I have perfectly good hearing but tend to only get half the story. One year right before christmas i was traveling down the road in a mini van piloted by my mother in law and accompanied by a friend and neighbor and five kids. When silent night came on i couldn’t help but sing along to this simple tune. Unfortunately unbeknownst to me i had been singing it wrong for many years. It is not ” round young virgin” it is instead supposed to be ” round yon virgin” , we about died that day as it is apparently hard to drive when crying from laughing so hard. ( i still hold that she was indeed a round young virgin so it was an accurate mistake). Other song lyrics i heard wrong.
- “balls and blood dust and mud” sung loud and proud on the way home from a church lock-in when i was 14, however the line from this Garth brooks song goes “bulls and blood dust and mud”
- Beech ( the airplane )roller coaster = beach ( as in sand near the ocean) roller coaster ,this is a current country song i don’t know who sings it but i must have heard it six times before i realized my mistake.
Also due to the fact i listen to the beat and chorus i often do not really “get ” the message of the song . To help you out “mellow yellow” is not referring to the soda pop, and the song which prompted this post ” all about that base” the song i have been jamming to the choirs for months at work is about butts and size NOT about the actual base of actual music. A bit embarrassing to be honest, i don’t mind singing about plumpalishious beings but i would like to realise that’s what im doing.
Today at work we were given the opportunity to donate blood via a guilt inducting message at the time clock. I havent given blood since college, it is an easy relatively painless way to give to others so i signed up to donate. When it was time for my appointment i was pleasantly surprised i got to stay on the clock while donating ( i assumed i was going to be doing this while losing pay) If you have never donated blood its an interesting process of questions and answers, in this case it was done in an impossibly small room about the size of an airplane bathroom. My interviewer was a perfectly pleasant man with an endless quantity of burps. I am a bit closterphobic so it was a bit of an issue. Im surprised they took my blood, by the time the interview was over i was twitching like a crack head in withdrawals. The questions are personal and my answers were predictably boring. ” have you traveled to any of these foreign countries. Have you ever performed these acts? Tattoos or piercings in the last 6 mo.?” No, no, no, ….. ” taken a product containing aspirin in the last three days?” Wait YES! I took some excedrin yesterday ( living the wild life) Then i was passed down the line to some lovely cheerful blood drawling ladies . I have experienced thru my life needles and poking and this was no big deal. Until i thought about it too hard, looking down at the little Baggie of blood thinking its kinda weird. Then thinking its kind of creepy. Then thinking LET ME OUT, let me out of this wagon of doom ahhhh they steal my life force. I held it together and was rewarded with cheese its . Sometimes my lack of focus can be used to my advantage. All in all i would defiantly recommend giving blood it helps others and ya know cheese its .
Words are a powerful tool capable of amazing things eliciting emotions, entertaining, and educating . I also believe for every person there are words that just plain annoy, words that make you give a little mental twitch. The word whatever is perhaps my least favorite word ( with the exception of hate speech of course). Whatever feels to me to be the verbal equivalent of ” you are not worth discussing this with” .
If used in a phrase ” whatever works best “or “whatever you deside”that’s one thing but the one word response of whatever feels like a verbal passive aggressive middle finger. So if you disagree with me thats just fine as i am very often wrong, but give me an honest ” screw you” rather than a dismissive ” whatever” Do you have a word that makes you feel kinda punchie? What sets your teeth to grinding?
So i was thinking on when and how and if you even should go about letting people know something embarrassing about themselves. I’m not talking about big things ( things they probably already know) like ” hey putting on a lot of weight, maybe you are using food as an emotional band-aid?” I’m talking about little things that can easily be remedied. Things like “in this light i can really see that weird hair growing off your chin”, or “when you bend over we are seeing a lot of butt”. In my mind i say i would like to know, but i also know i would be embarrassed and would likely react defensively. At what point is mentioning things ok? Should it be based on how well you know the person, how bad the issue is? Do you stop the person with toilet paper on their shoe and give them one embarrassing moment yet save them from walking around that way? Or do you let it go and maybe it will fall off and they will be none the wiser to anything amis with no embarrassed. I think maybe it is a sliding scale of how easy it is to fix i.e. Your shirt is buttoned wrong. Vs. how well you know them i.e. Only someone you love can tell you your eyebrows have gone rogue. I don’t have the answers just a question i was pondering while trying not to notice the angry zit peeking above the three inches of butt cleavage on a coworker. So you tell me…. Do you really want to know?