Its Mother’s Day once again, oh the feelings i have. I was raised by a caring mom who knew when to look away and step back, also when to step up and slap down. I was and am lucky. I have two beautiful children who are healthy and wonderful. So many blessings. Now for any of you who are in a rough spot you may wish to look away. I have a story to tell that hopefully will comfort some who have suffered as i have, if only because sometimes it feels like your alone. I have two beautiful children here on earth, but in my heart i have six. Pregnancy for me was not the easy thing it is for some. I don’t mean not easy like swollen feet can’t reach my shoes not easy. I mean my body refused to do what so many women’s does so naturally, carry a child to term. I suffered my first miscarriage with no explanations, the second the same. Each time it was explained away as some small thing that must have went wrong not likely to happen again. In my heart i grieved for this child who i lost, i cried real tears and suffered real pain. The third time i became pregnant we made it past the date on the calendar that said it was safe, the magic date that ment this time we would hold our child this time we could love in our arms that which we had made. He was born at twenty-five weeks after every effort to avoid it, i heard his small cry for the first and last time that day. Modern medicine was unable to circumvent what fate had in the cards. Three months later we buried our beautiful baby boy, it has been sixteen years and i still cry as i write this. A pastor came to the house to speak with us, told us we could try again ( horrible hollow words) and indicated if we had been legally married perhaps this would not of happened. That is the day my faith died. There was one more miscarriage after that, and i gave up hope. Many years later out of the blue we became pregnant again, we took every step we could and alas our wonderful daughter was born the fact that i could and might have died that day was a mere blip on my radar as i watched her grow and learn. The doctor said never again, but after five years of yearning i was pregnant once again. My water partly broke at twenty weeks, i saw it in the doctors eyes when she asked what i wanted to do. I said you do whatever you have to i want my baby. I want my baby. No less than a modern miracle i lasted three months in the hospital before she would wait no longer. Early and small she spent a month in the nicu before coming home with us. Today i watched her bumble and run at her second softball practice while her older sister complained about being bored. A happy Mother’s Day indeed. To those of you trying, the ones who have lost and the ones who have not ….Happy Mother’s Day . Hold all of your children in your hearts even if you can’t hold them in your arms.
So i think of myself as a pretty boring non inflammatory person, the type that has no hidden agenda or nefarious ideas. But sometimes you are online chatting or send a text that strikes you as ” oh that sounds bad” . You know the one where you have had a bad day and say ” wish that place would burn down before i have to clock in” or something to that effect. In the time of anyone could be listening i feel the need to give a little shout out to the fact i am indeed joking. NSA or the like i hope you don’t flag me as i would feel bad for anyone wading thru countless ” what do you want for dinner? I love you. Gtg ” type correspondence there may be an occasional pic to the hubby with to much cleavage but in the time of unlimited naughty available 24/7 on-line hardly a fair tradeoff. On the up side i think the fear of being labeled a terrorist has sped up the demise of the phrase ” you’re the bomb” . So there is always an upside. Can you hear me now..? I think maybe to make it easier on the mighty ears in the cloud i will start my own little abbreviation nnjj ( not nefarious just joking) so next time you see me say something i probably shouldnt like ” time to become that crazy hermit that lets no one near armed with a gun and certainty there is gold in them there hills” itll be ok because I’ll say nnjj like the social media equivalent of bless her heart or with all due respect. Maybe its just me being me….. Do any of you ever feel the need to clarify what is clearly questionable humor as indeed humor? Do you wonder who all sees that picture you sent, that comment you made, that txt to your sister?
So i have been struggling lately on writing a post. My mind has been empty. completely and totally void of ideas. But here’s the thing there Is a lot going on in my life right now so i know the seemingly empty ness off my mind is because i have locked down compartmentalized and hidden away anything which may cause a crack in the facade . I do this with out conscious effort and normally to horrible results. I’m working on it, i have not forgotten you my faithful followers. Thank you for supporting my writing with thoughts and words of encouragement. I will leave you with this story .
My husband: did you cook an extra potato ( upon finding a baked potato in the microwave hours after dinner)
me: yah but im sure it’s still good
husband : i didn’t say it had gone bad
me : mental image of a baked potato holding up a convenience store with a hooker on its arm
me: laughing uncontrolably
my husband: ok then
” its hard for the rest of us to be happy when your miserable all the time…” Ouch that’s a tough thing to hear. Like a physical blow even though it was said with kindness. Am i dragging the ones i love down into the dumps with me? I thought and i stewed and really reflected and then i made a choice. I am going to be happy, not pretend to be happy and bury my feelings but truly embrace happy. I think when you are depressed and or have a tendency to cycle into dark moods then at least for me if things are not perfect then they are horrible. Things are never perfect though, so then i was never happy. Being in that mind-set is a vicious cycle that self propagates misery. One week ago i made a decision to be happy. Like any addict i had to hit that low point and really see what my behavior was doing to others. I was addicted to my gloomy depressed feelings, i had to actively choose to set them aside. I am sure i will fall off the wagon time and time again, but i wake each morning knowing i have it pretty good and today i choose happy. Things will go wrong , oooo can things go wrong. Those wrong things will not be better through a depressed view-point however so i will still try for happy. Its been better since i made this step, although it may seem simplistic to many of you ( and i know sometimes happy is just a big order to fill) it is worth a try. So face the sun rise and embrace the happy. Best wishes.
Growing up it was always a special time to get mom all to ones self. Even as an ungrateful teenager it was still a silent treat hidden behind grudgingly acceptance. One night before christmas my mother and i were headed to the next town over for some shopping and girl bonding time. On the way as we followed behind a rather large semi truck a skunk ran right out getting clipped by the trucks rear wheels and then completely smashed by us. There was no time to stop just a look of horror as the wheels went thunk thunk.
The smell was epic but soon seemed not so bad. Still we were worried so at the first store we stopped at i watched my mom pull a sales lady aside and explain that we had hit a skunk and were worried we might have that odor on our persons. We were quietly assured that we did not indeed smell. In and out of every store in the mall we went. All around town and then a long and leisurely dinner. A lovely evening by all accounts. It was late as we came traipsing thru the door, my father came stumbling from my parents room a look of dismay upon his face. apparently the odor actually woke him up, it was so strong. I was sent to strip my clothes and toss them outside then showers for the both of us. thankfully that was enough to rid us of the smell, it took weeks to get it from the vehicle . To this day i cringe at the thought of being the skunk people walking by blissfully unaware of the wake we left behind that holiday season. What weird bent of politeness must that sales lady of had to look at us square in the face and say ” i don’t smell a thing” , it was a shoe store however perhaps she had lost her sence of smell long ago…
While i wasnt watching 2014 slipped away ( seriously i wasnt watching i was asleep when the new year came). I am lucky by so many standards , i got issues sure but still lucky. I have this cycle of feeling grateful, then down trodden, then guilty for not feeling grateful, then apathetic, then, then, then. Heres the thing people have it worse sooo much worse than me. I understand that if i were fighting for life i wouldn’t have time to feel depressed or blue. People running from bears often don’t worry about being insecure either, doesn’t mean i want to go poke a bear. I know im lucky, however that my problems are still important to me. Your issues are real, my issues are real we matter! That is what i love about blogging i get to put whatever random part of me that floats to the surface out there into the world. Maybe no one cares but that’s the beauty, there are millions of blogs out there each one putting pieces of the blogger into the world to be embraced by someone like themselves ( or someone so totally different they read it like a sociological study) but its out there. It’s out there and it matters. So welcome 2015. Welcome bloggers. Welcome readers. Lets rock this like 1999!
You know how you are cruising pintrest and you see a really inspirational quote and when you click on it brings you to a website that offers a free are you depressed quiz? So you think ” why not?” You take the quiz and then they tell you your score so you compare it to the chart that helpfully says you are clinically depressed? So then you end up yelling at the screen screw you pintrest you can’t judge me! Yeah me either, also i think inspirational quotes are just a racket to make you feel worse about your total lack of ability of looking on the bright side of things.
Supposed to be cold as heck here this coming week, cold as a witches titties they say although im not sure why. I have different versions of cold weather dress. They go like this.
- Probably should have grabbed a jacket
- probably should have put on real shoes and grabbed a coat
- i don’t care what my hair looks like when i get there im putting on a hat
- full on Elmer Fudd hat and down insulated parka so hard to drive this way but too cold to care.
Hope tomorrow is not going to be a Fudd day, monday is hard enough to face.
It has been awhile since i posted, i would say that i have been busy and it would not be a lie. It would not be the whole truth however, i have been also been stewing. It’s that time of year again when i have christmas in my heart and manic panic in my brain.
I gorge on cheesy christmas specials and endless christmas songs. I bake and goodie make.
I purchase and wrap. I laugh and cry. I go into a flurry of activity and then crawl under the covers and don’t want ever get up again. Perhaps i set my expectations too high, im not talking gifts and monetary things. Perhaps my emotional expectations are too high. I feel this need to get my ” happy hopeful fix” before the dreary grey days of January. It builds and builds in my mind, and then i disappoint myself by not meeting some invisible goal in my mind of what i should have done for my children, my husband, my family…. despite all this i still love this time of year. I know i don’t often speak of my children here but when they were asked what they wanted for christmas the youngest said ” time with my family” and the oldest said ” christmas is about family” . So from my family to yours have the most joyful of holidays. Aka hang in there it’s almost done wont we miss it when its gone.
We are entering the cold unforgiving winter months, peppered by harsh winds and wet snows. The most troublesome weather for me however is the ice. The ice coats the roads, the steps, the sidewalks and streets making it a roller rink of oh hell no. When it covers my car in a thick layer reminiscent of the evil slime on the library in ghost busters, no amount of singing will break it free. It may come as no surprise that through the years i have been caught unprepared for the onslaught of winter. The first instance that comes to mind my door had frozen shut, completely and totally shut. I had to get to work, and this was pre YouTube so there were no helpful ” how to unfreeze your door” videos. So i boiled a pot of water, it was too small and froze instantly upon being carefully poured over the crack of my door. Obviously i was going to need a bigger pot and this time i added salt to keep it from freezing. This method did work but i have been told it was a horrible idea, also when removing said big pot from the stove top its important to remember to shut off the fire or the spilled something or other you had for supper the night before might ignight and start a small fire. My second run in with my icy nemesis was a year or two later when after a storm rolled thru i had to be at work at an ungodly hour for inventory. I had no scraper, there was no scraper buried in my husbands truck either( i had been very explicitly told my hot water trick would likely produce dire consequences if employed on a window so that was out) i rummaged throughout the house looking for an ice scraper like thing the closest i could come up with was a spatula from the kitchen drawer. It was not a very effective choice. After chipping a hole the size of my face in the front window i donned my husbands Elmer Fudd style hunting hat rolled the rest of the windows down to add some visibility and tore off to work at the break neck speed of idle. I made it exactly two blocks before i passed a police officer, i knew i was in the wrong and so was not surprised when he pulled me over. Heres the thing about me, when faced with the choice of admitting im wrong and false bravado i most often do the latter. He slipped and slides up to my already rolled down window and i smiled up at him win all my Fudd like innocence. The following is a recap of the conversation.
- Cop- do you know why i pulled you over?
- me- i have a pretty good idea
- cop- do you realy feel like it is safe to drive with your windshield like that? You can hardly see…
- me- i can see….. Kind of. And im late for work and i couldn’t find a scraper and i tried i realy realy tried, but all i could find was a spatula ( picture me brandishing a spatula in a cops face at four in the morning) a SPATULA! Do you know how hard it is to scrape your windows with a spatulas sooooo hard. Besides its horrible out here and it looks like it’s just you and me on the road so as long as you don’t swerve in front of me it is perfectly safe…
- cop- wait right here
- me in my head – great idiot guess who going to have to do a breathalyzer
- cop- here is a brand new ice scraper pull around the corner and do a better job
I was truly lucky to have such a forgiving officer pull me over if i was him i would have at least made that weird chick walk a line or something. I have mostly learned my lesson, there was that one time last year when i was dropping the kids off at school in my husbands truck and i cant reach the middle of the windshield so it was not properly scraped. Sorry kids but if the police tell you to pull over and do better you do it( even if you have to climb on the hood in your fuzzy pink pajamas while parked in front of the school to do so)
I love to sing and dance, but only when i am alone (mostly when im alone my censor is a bit twitchy so i sometimes just do/say things that should be shared only with loved ones or perhaps a therapist/ vocal instructor) I have a lovely voice perfectly suited to the shower and my vehicle.i sing almost exclusively the choirs, and sometimes not even that. I have perfectly good hearing but tend to only get half the story. One year right before christmas i was traveling down the road in a mini van piloted by my mother in law and accompanied by a friend and neighbor and five kids. When silent night came on i couldn’t help but sing along to this simple tune. Unfortunately unbeknownst to me i had been singing it wrong for many years. It is not ” round young virgin” it is instead supposed to be ” round yon virgin” , we about died that day as it is apparently hard to drive when crying from laughing so hard. ( i still hold that she was indeed a round young virgin so it was an accurate mistake). Other song lyrics i heard wrong.
- “balls and blood dust and mud” sung loud and proud on the way home from a church lock-in when i was 14, however the line from this Garth brooks song goes “bulls and blood dust and mud”
- Beech ( the airplane )roller coaster = beach ( as in sand near the ocean) roller coaster ,this is a current country song i don’t know who sings it but i must have heard it six times before i realized my mistake.
Also due to the fact i listen to the beat and chorus i often do not really “get ” the message of the song . To help you out “mellow yellow” is not referring to the soda pop, and the song which prompted this post ” all about that base” the song i have been jamming to the choirs for months at work is about butts and size NOT about the actual base of actual music. A bit embarrassing to be honest, i don’t mind singing about plumpalishious beings but i would like to realise that’s what im doing.