While i wasnt watching 2014 slipped away ( seriously i wasnt watching i was asleep when the new year came). I am lucky by so many standards , i got issues sure but still lucky. I have this cycle of feeling grateful, then down trodden, then guilty for not feeling grateful, then apathetic, then, then, then. Heres the thing people have it worse sooo much worse than me. I understand that if i were fighting for life i wouldn’t have time to feel depressed or blue. People running from bears often don’t worry about being insecure either, doesn’t mean i want to go poke a bear. I know im lucky, however that my problems are still important to me. Your issues are real, my issues are real we matter! That is what i love about blogging i get to put whatever random part of me that floats to the surface out there into the world. Maybe no one cares but that’s the beauty, there are millions of blogs out there each one putting pieces of the blogger into the world to be embraced by someone like themselves ( or someone so totally different they read it like a sociological study) but its out there. It’s out there and it matters. So welcome 2015. Welcome bloggers. Welcome readers. Lets rock this like 1999!
It has been awhile since i posted, i would say that i have been busy and it would not be a lie. It would not be the whole truth however, i have been also been stewing. It’s that time of year again when i have christmas in my heart and manic panic in my brain.
I gorge on cheesy christmas specials and endless christmas songs. I bake and goodie make.
I purchase and wrap. I laugh and cry. I go into a flurry of activity and then crawl under the covers and don’t want ever get up again. Perhaps i set my expectations too high, im not talking gifts and monetary things. Perhaps my emotional expectations are too high. I feel this need to get my ” happy hopeful fix” before the dreary grey days of January. It builds and builds in my mind, and then i disappoint myself by not meeting some invisible goal in my mind of what i should have done for my children, my husband, my family…. despite all this i still love this time of year. I know i don’t often speak of my children here but when they were asked what they wanted for christmas the youngest said ” time with my family” and the oldest said ” christmas is about family” . So from my family to yours have the most joyful of holidays. Aka hang in there it’s almost done wont we miss it when its gone.
We are almost to thanksgiving and i am sure you will see many variations of what your friends and family are thankful for. As for me i am thankful to be alive, i realize that sounds like a phoned in awnser to a question you didn’t even ask. The thing is i have not always felt this way, and my ability to see past the crap and have a new hope for future days leaves me feeling grateful. To be happy to be alive may seem like setting the bar pretty low, but to be honest sometimes things suck and the choice to believe the world is worth sticking around for is the bravest choice to make. So this thanksgiving i will look around at my lovely family and feel truly lucky to have made it past obstacles and stuck thru long enough to get to the other side. I am thankful for the life i have that says this is worth fighting for and no matter the bad THIS is a life to be thankful for. This is a life about hope.
I have been struggling as of late, just a general malaise . This week has been particularly bad. Today at lunch a florist truck pulled into my work parking lot it was flowers and a box of chocolates for ME!
Because he knew i needed a pick me up my husband sent me flowers. I have always said flowers are a waste of money, but they made my day. When i called to thank him he said he had been falling down on the job as far as romantic gestures go, but he was wrong so very wrong. You see yesterday he cooked me my favorite meal ( four months ago he didn’t cook at all) he cooked it to make me happy, and when i ate too much and fell exhausted into bed at 9:30 with a stomach ache he brought me pepto bismal and tucked me in. Learning to cook, caring for me when I’m tired or ill those are the small things that mean so much, small things that add up to feeling loved. My flowers are wonderful and made me smile all day cheered me up at yet another long day at work. But as far as romance goes I’ll take the little things that maybe are not very flashy but matter so much. Continue reading
Its been a hard couple of weeks at work they have upped our hours back to ten and then this weekend we had to work saturday as well. Going back to work has been a huge change for me and i constantly feel like the people i love are not getting the time and attention they need, so giving up weekend time is not something i willingly do. We are a very small workforce so if everyone is not pulling their weight it shows.
So anyway on Fridays we get an hour for lunch an hour i decided to use to run errands. Normally on my lunch i call my husband so i can see how his day is going and just to say hello. So on this particular friday i was one of those annoying cell phone people who yammer in public on their phone oblivious to those around them. I was not so far gone however that i was going to stay on the phone while being helped by the cashier so i let him go and waited for my turn.
The lady in front of me turned around and said ” i think its one of those days we all should have stayed in bed” I definitely should have i told her. ” i heard you say that you had to get out of there before you punched her in the who ha “. Ooono busted at being not very nice feeling chagrined and probably flushing at being caught i said oh sorry ( please cashier hurry) but she just shook her head smiled and said ” when i heard you say that i just had to say hello, i work with like twelve like that” aaah kindred spirits can be found anywhere even in the walmart check out line on lunch break.
It’s the time of year when the milo is turning a lovely copper color, the days are getting cooler and the state fair is going down. I love going to the fair, i have never been to fairs from other states but the Kansas fair is a delightful Hodge podge of our rural agrarian roots and the seizure inducing blast of lights and sounds peppered with the latest deep-fried nonsense that one must try. We treat the fair as a kind of all-inclusive petting zoo, there is of course the actual petting zoo this year featuring a porcupine, zebras, a zedonk ( honestly i think a fence broke and some one got frisky who the hell has heard of a zadonk ?) and an army of shirt eating goats.
Then we moved on to the cow exhibits , lamas, bunnies, chickens, geese, turkey’s. Ect. After touching every living creature we possibly can ( and a funny moment when my youngest unknowingly pet someones jacket by mistake ” sorry lady with the furry coat 😳”) , onward to see giant pumpkins, and other mutant veggies grown to the size of small children.
Meandering thru booths collecting free pencils and pens, pamphlets and various junk all on the way to the holy grail of the Kansas state fair the BUTTER SCULPTURE, that’s right a life-sized sculpture of a different thing each year made of butter… What will it be? what will it be?… ( spoiler alert) Well this year it was a grandma on a pogo stick being cheered on by little kids. Now night has fallen and the lights of the midway are calling, so much fun and adrenalin.
We wait in line and nearby a mother discovers her child is missing , i clutch my children a little tighter the police are there my eyes search the crowds for the child i heard her describe and then the little girl is found and i tear up right there on the midway and say a silent thank you that this was not a tragedy . Onward to games with stuffed animal prizes and there up ahead Mecca …deep-fried cheese curds. Perfect end to a wonderful day, let’s drag our weary selves to the car.
You may have noticed i don’t mention my children by name or speak of them very often at all, this is not because i don’t have stories or am not proud/ horrified by things they do( because i totally am). I just feel their on-line presence belongs to them. Any more online reputation is the equivalent of a credit score its impossible to erase and hard to get back once it’s screwed up. But i do want to take this time to discuss ” being mom” , being mom at least for me was like someone handing you a costume and saying you are no longer who you were you will play the part of MOM. As mom you lose your name even your spouse starts to refer to you as mom, ask your mom, where’s mom? Its to the point if i hear my actual name it sounds weird to my ears. I love love love being mom,it is truly the best job i could ever ask for. But now my youngest is in school ( has been for a year now ) its time for me to branch out and be an actual entity of my own not” you must be mom…?” Its exciting , scary and a little sad. I went to my first interview in ten years today, i would not exactly say i nailed it, but i was honest so at least im integrating with integrity. And never fear the minute one of my little angels thinks her self grown up enough to post something they shouldn’t on-line during their teen years i plan on flooding the internet with all the silly embarrassing things they have done. Untill then we will have to make do with the silly embarrassing things i do.
Growing up my family always had pets, between the pets and the children we always joked ” welcome to the zoo” . We had birds, and fish, dogs and cats , and even a rat my little brothers named after my sister’s boyfriend. Now that i am grown i still love having animals in my life, although i don’t want any that are caged i like the kind that are more a member of the family. We have a lovely old lab
who we got while trying to potty train the oldest. Not being above a bribe my sweetie says ” no more accidents and you get a puppy” thanks hun now we get to house break…. Then a few years ago we rescued one of our strays that keep showing up boom
now a cat ( this one was totaly my fault but the cats are a whole nother story ). But it’s not a secret my very favorite pet is our mastiff. I always had small dogs as a child, Scottie’s and chi wa was and i loved them every one . Then one day my husband came home and said a friend from work ended up having a huge litter of mastiffs 13 and had three more puppies then he had arraigned for homes. I was adamant no more pets i care for them all i feed water vet visit medicate, plus aren’t mastiffs HUGE? I went on-line and started Googling mastiffs, all in the effort to show how bad of an idea this was of course. I researched and i looked and i feel in love. Maybe we could just make the two-hour drive just to… You know visit. Yeah right like a pot head is headed to Colorado for scenery. When we brought her home she could run under the coffee table she was so small, now she wouldn’t fit under it laying on her side.
I am so used to her size that i forget to other people she is big, but of all the pets i have ever owned my squish is the most kind and gentle. Animals add a little something special to lives I’m glad i have mine.
I know i have fairly often spoke of the power of food triggered memory. Well today i would like to talk about my husband , and food, and memories. He is a sweet, kind man, with a wonderful impish side. When we met i liked him right away, we had some real tough times i would not of made it thru them with out him. Almost 18 years later we are still in love, however i have not ever had a very high sence of self-worth. He would say ” your perfect” and i would very harshly stress that it was not so. I worried that he believed it and one day would figure out he had been wrong. I spent years worried i was not very good at all so i stressed and i fretted and was generally clingy and needy constantly trying to be a little better give a little more ( meanwhile becoming a yes man type of different person effectively erasing the woman he fell in love with) and i fed him ” the way to a mans heart is thru his stomach” after all. It was something i knew i could do well that made him happy. Well things got a lot real for us some while back, and we started communicating better than ever before. Enough so that i realised how much time i had wasted being less than all of me, the all of me that he picked by the way. I will not say i don’t still get some insecurities, i do and often. I will forever be my harshest critic. Today i finally tracked down a dish that he has spoken fondly of since i have known him. A foggy memory of a warm kitchen and a kindly mother of a friend cooking all day a delicious thing called gyoza. Except from a thirty year old memoire it was yoza, making it hard to find but today i did ( thank you internet).
And drum roll please it was as good as he remembered. But the surprise i have found is that somewhere along the way my feeding him had become a kind of mental lasso, an ” at least this i can do for him” it was a feeling only i had but it was a very real however unacknowledged thing. But today, today it was an act of love a pure desire to make him something special and it tasted twice as good because of it.
Despite the fact i went to the liquor store the next town over( stupid dry town) and bought ouzo instead of sake so the recipe didn’t get followed quite right.
Parents are such a defining thing in your life, as we approach Father’s Day i am so grateful to be able to look around and see the positive effects of children on their fathers ( and fathers on their children) . I try to be a ” fun mom”, but it’s not the same as daddy time. Because despite our love for each other and our common interests and goals we are vastly different people, and that is a good thing. Daddy is the balance to mommy, now i understand holidays are bitter-sweet for people who have suffered loss ( or just plain bitter , down right painful in fact for some) and in non traditional households the counter to mommy is not in fact daddy. Or perhaps the counter to daddy is daddy again, i can not personally write from that perspective so i will leave that to those who can. In my life the role of dad was in fact held by two men my father and my step father, who in their way each offered me help and guidance to become who i am. And then i got married and there was father in law, then we had kids and suddenly my sexy husband became sexy dad ( not in the creepy way that might of just sounded). You see i never knew any of my dads before they became dads, but now i had a front row seat to this weird yet amazing transformation. As good of husband as he is, i love him even more for the dad he has become. What a gift fathers are, so here’s to you killer of bugs, picker-up of dead things, for giver of dented bumpers, making us feel safe and loved in a world of crap. Thank you dads!