Mother mercy

Its Mother’s Day once again, oh the feelings i have. I was raised by a caring mom who knew when to look away and step back, also when to step up and slap down. I was and am lucky. I have two beautiful children who are healthy and wonderful. So many blessings. Now for any of you who are in a rough spot you may wish to look away. I have a story to tell that hopefully will comfort some who have suffered as i have, if only because sometimes it feels like your alone. I have two beautiful children here on earth, but in my heart i have six. Pregnancy for me was not the easy thing it is for some. I don’t mean not easy like swollen feet can’t reach my shoes not easy. I mean my body refused to do what so many women’s does so naturally, carry a child to term.  I suffered my first miscarriage with no explanations, the second the same. Each time it was explained away as some small thing that must have went wrong not likely to happen again.  In my heart i grieved for this child who i lost, i cried real tears and suffered real pain.  The third time i became pregnant we made it past the date on the calendar that said it was safe, the magic date that ment this time we would hold our child this time we could love in our arms that which we had made. He was born at twenty-five weeks after every effort to avoid it, i heard his small cry for the first and last time that day. Modern medicine was unable to circumvent what fate had in the cards. Three months later we buried our beautiful baby boy, it has been sixteen years and i still cry as i write this.  A pastor came to the house to speak with us, told us we could try again ( horrible hollow words) and indicated if we had been legally married perhaps this would not of happened. That is the day my faith died. There was one more miscarriage after that, and i gave up hope. Many years later out of the blue we became pregnant again, we took every step we could and alas our wonderful daughter was born the fact that i could and might have died that day was a mere blip on my radar as i watched her grow and learn. The doctor said never again, but after five years of yearning i was pregnant once again. My water partly broke at twenty weeks, i saw it in the doctors eyes when she asked what i wanted to do. I said you do whatever you have to i want my baby. I want my baby. No less than a modern miracle  i lasted three months in the hospital before she would wait no longer. Early and small she spent a month in the nicu before coming home with us. Today i watched her bumble and run at her second softball practice while her older sister complained about being bored. A happy Mother’s Day indeed.  To those of you trying, the ones who have lost and the ones who have not ….Happy Mother’s Day . Hold all of your children in your hearts even if you can’t hold them in your arms.