” its hard for the rest of us to be happy when your miserable all the time…” Ouch that’s a tough thing to hear. Like a physical blow even though it was said with kindness. Am i dragging the ones i love down into the dumps with me? I thought and i stewed and really reflected and then i made a choice. I am going to be happy, not pretend to be happy and bury my feelings but truly embrace happy. I think when you are depressed and or have a tendency to cycle into dark moods then at least for me if things are not perfect then they are horrible. Things are never perfect though, so then i was never happy. Being in that mind-set is a vicious cycle that self propagates misery. One week ago i made a decision to be happy. Like any addict i had to hit that low point and really see what my behavior was doing to others. I was addicted to my gloomy depressed feelings, i had to actively choose to set them aside. I am sure i will fall off the wagon time and time again, but i wake each morning knowing i have it pretty good and today i choose happy. Things will go wrong , oooo can things go wrong. Those wrong things will not be better through a depressed view-point however so i will still try for happy. Its been better since i made this step, although it may seem simplistic to many of you ( and i know sometimes happy is just a big order to fill) it is worth a try. So face the sun rise and embrace the happy. Best wishes.
Growing up it was always a special time to get mom all to ones self. Even as an ungrateful teenager it was still a silent treat hidden behind grudgingly acceptance. One night before christmas my mother and i were headed to the next town over for some shopping and girl bonding time. On the way as we followed behind a rather large semi truck a skunk ran right out getting clipped by the trucks rear wheels and then completely smashed by us. There was no time to stop just a look of horror as the wheels went thunk thunk.
The smell was epic but soon seemed not so bad. Still we were worried so at the first store we stopped at i watched my mom pull a sales lady aside and explain that we had hit a skunk and were worried we might have that odor on our persons. We were quietly assured that we did not indeed smell. In and out of every store in the mall we went. All around town and then a long and leisurely dinner. A lovely evening by all accounts. It was late as we came traipsing thru the door, my father came stumbling from my parents room a look of dismay upon his face. apparently the odor actually woke him up, it was so strong. I was sent to strip my clothes and toss them outside then showers for the both of us. thankfully that was enough to rid us of the smell, it took weeks to get it from the vehicle . To this day i cringe at the thought of being the skunk people walking by blissfully unaware of the wake we left behind that holiday season. What weird bent of politeness must that sales lady of had to look at us square in the face and say ” i don’t smell a thing” , it was a shoe store however perhaps she had lost her sence of smell long ago…
So for the new year i am trying full honesty And admitting my mistakes. It’s a bit intimidating.
In the past i have been less than honest ,and downright deceitful. These actions have hurt people and ruined good things. So 2015 is the year of truth. I started out by walking up to someone at work and apologising for a past behavior, ” i was petty and bitchy and i am sorry” it was remarkably well received and has resulted in a much more amicable work environment. Letting the truth guide you is very freeing, nothing you have to remember you said, nothing to stew in guilt over. It is not a perfect system, when i have to say ” i screened your call because i was tired and didn’t feel like answering” …. Must not of heard it ring is simpler.but why? Why is a lie more easily spoken then the truth? I think the only time its more convenient is if you believe the person you are dealing with does not care enough to hear what you are saying when faced with the truth. So i guess it’s not just a simple matter of i will be honest. It is really more ” i trust you enough to give you the truth, and hope that you care enough to hear it.” What do you think? Do you trust others with your truth? Or do you shield yourself with a falsehood?
While i wasnt watching 2014 slipped away ( seriously i wasnt watching i was asleep when the new year came). I am lucky by so many standards , i got issues sure but still lucky. I have this cycle of feeling grateful, then down trodden, then guilty for not feeling grateful, then apathetic, then, then, then. Heres the thing people have it worse sooo much worse than me. I understand that if i were fighting for life i wouldn’t have time to feel depressed or blue. People running from bears often don’t worry about being insecure either, doesn’t mean i want to go poke a bear. I know im lucky, however that my problems are still important to me. Your issues are real, my issues are real we matter! That is what i love about blogging i get to put whatever random part of me that floats to the surface out there into the world. Maybe no one cares but that’s the beauty, there are millions of blogs out there each one putting pieces of the blogger into the world to be embraced by someone like themselves ( or someone so totally different they read it like a sociological study) but its out there. It’s out there and it matters. So welcome 2015. Welcome bloggers. Welcome readers. Lets rock this like 1999!