A weighty issue

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You see its not about the actual numbers on my scale or in my jeans it is the perceived self image impacting actual self worth. I can not remember one time in my life i felt comfortable with my body,  even as a small child in my brown corduroy jeans and anything helpfully labeled ” husky”  i was not happy.  Weight, looks, and self acceptance a trifecta of  lifelong insecurities.  I started trying to watch what i ate at the age of  11,  by the time i was 13 i was actively dieting.  By the time i was in high school i was already a self loathing person. The problem with poor self-image is it colors all aspects of your life. You lack the confidence to stretch beyond current boundaries, and if you do stretch beyond those self doubts and fail? … Well what did you expect fat people can’t do things like that. And the funny thing is  i would love to be as ” fat”  as i was back then.  Because i look at me and say things and i treat my self in such ways as i would not let others treat me. Because i assume you see me thru the narrow lens i view myself  i mentally block people so they can not hurt me, if i don’t let you matter then the negative way you perceive me can not matter.  I have tried the bravado the falsity of i love my self i am beautiful, some days i believe it. I am not horribly unhealthy, i try to stay active, with two kids and a farm and now a job active is inevitable.  I guess what i am trying to say is i am working on not letting my physical self  define me.  Moments when you find out you have almost no physical gag reflex  thank you powers that be from saving me from my self and that self-destructive path. Moments when your first hot air balloon ride is marred when you are easily able to hop in the basket and the guy says ” you move pretty good for a big girl”  when your child looks at you and asks why you don’t look like the t.v. Mummy’s .  Moments make up your life, but the moments that define me is the strength this body had to bear beautiful children after much difficulty. The strength in my arms to hold the ones i love. The look in my husband’s eye that says he has never seen me the way i see myself. Those are the things that let me  peel off my self-doubt walk out the door and say here i am world ( please be kinder to me then i am myself )

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4 thoughts on “A weighty issue

  1. I am torn to hear that this is a relatable post because I wish it were just me being me. However I do like to be able to connect with you all on such a human personal level thanks for reading.

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this part of yourself. What can I say, I can relate very well although I fall under moderately overweight and I was somehow bullied in high school for something else. There’s always something negative that other people may say about us and it’s really more about them than us. Deep inside, they are just as insecure, if not more, and they like to put down people to feel better about themselves.

    It’s a good thing my BF loves me the way I am the way your hubby loves you the way you are. He even wants me to be bigger. I don’t want to be, though, for health reasons especially because heart ailments and diabetes run in the family.

    Everyday, I try to peel off the self-doubts, too. Our bodies are just the shells. We truly are more than what we think we are.

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