Don’t go into the light

I do not particularly enjoy driving in the dark, mostly due to suicidal wildlife. Since i started my daily work commute i have unwillingly assisted in two possumcides, one raccoonicide, countless frog/toadicides and had a few near misses with turkey’s and deer.

image

The other reason i dislike driving in the dark is my complete inability to deal with he “brights” issue, you see this vehicle coming at you lights obscenely bright and you wonder ” is that his brights?” Ahh god im blinded here that has to be his brights,  but maybe the other vehicle is just taller than yours maybe those are not their brights at all ! Now i am sure you are asking why not just flash your brights and it will remind them to turn theirs off, two reasons

1. What if those are not brights and instead just new high efficient ” lows” then the person opposite will be all Fricking  idiot i don’t have my brights on.

2. I once flashed my brights at someone who then waited untill they were right up on me to turn on their brights effectively blinding me

Come to think of it i felt kinda like those poor tire bound critters.  So i drive along knowing these problems are small and silly and hoping to not ( literally) kill anything before my third cup of coffee.

Why wont it get thick?

image

I am not good at sharing the kitchen, never have been. Growing up my mom made sure all of us children ( including the boys) knew the basics of cooking.  I enjoy cooking and find baking relaxing , however i do not share the kitchen space well. The only exception to this is my children,  they are my little sou chefs. I actually have gotten better at sharing, after twenty years my husband and i can work together at getting the food on the table( although he does complain about always pulling toast duty or being shown the proper way to stir, men are so sensitive )  In high school i took a home ec class that really sparked my baking desire, so one night in December i asked my mom if i could make chocolate chip cookies  to bring to school as goodies.  I gathered the ingredients jumped right in, but no matter how much ” flour” i put in it would not thicken i added and added to no avail. It’s fine i know what im doing is a catch phrase/ famous last words of mine and so i kept adding long past reasonable. Even i had to admit it was time to ask mom, turns out she had bought a super big bag of powdered sugar for holiday goodie making and had to fill the canister that normally held the super big bag of flour.  I had made 12 cups of egg laced glaze ew.  Just one in a long list of  ,if in doubt ask mom.

Deep into my cups

Let’s talk about a deeply personal thing. The ever popular often duplicated, replicated, and plane ol’ faked ….boobs.  These things are a menace, following is a short list of ways the wonder twins have wronged me.

  • Got stuck momentarily in a cave when i turned sideways thinking i would fit that way, nope.
  • are inconvenient catchers of any food i may drop resulting in stained shirts or worse salsa boob/bra . Nothing says classy like having to fish a wayward anything out of there
  • severely limit the button up shirts i can wear( or shirts in general on the hanger they look fine but on it’s all your too old for that much cleavage)
  • refused to serve their god given purpose of built-in bottle
  • i have not slept on my stomach since i was a preteen

image

Not that it’s ALL bad after all

  • handy shelf for my iPad, or drink, or any other redneck thing i desire
  • if used properly totally counteracts a bad hair day
  • My husband seems fond of them
  • They always hit the wall before my face, kinda an early klutz warning system

Now the reason i brought this up is to tell a work story. Last week i was learning to run a new machine ,  to be completely honest hit and miss but i was gaining on it. I walked away for a minute and when i started working again it seemed to be running faster( the speed had been turned down to ” training lvl” ). And so i though ” i must be doing better they turned it back up , nice” .  Fast forward a few hours and i come back from lunch and this thing is now going impossibly fast, i narrow my eyes and look around for my saboteur .  Let it go i say and get back to work, after changing out product suddenly the machine stops working. I fiddle and poke totally not knowing what i am doing i drag myself over to the boss type person  ” it’s broke” i say. He comes over pokes and fiddles totally not knowing much more than me when suddenly he says you have the speed set to zero. What! I didn’t touch the speed some one is screwing with me…. And then as i brush past the small space between my machine and the support post i notice, my boobs are turning the speed control up or down depending on the direction i am going past my machine.  Thwarted by my own boobs, typical.

So help me i will kill you and leave you dead in a ditch…

I have heard of being desensitized to violence, i am not one of those people. Growing up we were not allowed to watch violent t.v., even fake violence like wrestling.  I know there have been studies showing a link of  violent behavior to violent games/movies/music ect. These studies are always vocally denounced/ supported, I have done no studies.  I am no expert, what i do know is my personal experience ( unique to me and having no science to back it up). I have watched exactly one horror movie in my life, at a sleep over when i was probably about twelve we watched a movie called The Gate. It did not scar me for life, i did not feel the need to commit violence.  It was not my cup of tea, now as a grown woman i could probably watch it and giggle at the goofyness of it. To this day however i can not stomach gore and violence  and i wonder if it is due to lack of exposure.  I have to surely think that a constant barrage of violent images regardless the source ( entertainment based or sad reality) would eventually leave one  for a lack of better term subconsciously accepting.  While i do not feel that gives an excuse to act in a violent nature the lack of basic shock value when faced with violence surely must have some impact. That being said the inability to deal with/ process violence at all in the world we live in today quite frankly  a bit crippling at times. I have been angry, i have lost my temper, and spoke violent thoughts ( such as the title of this piece,nothing makes you madder than when you are so bad at being tough and mean everyone bursts out laughing).But i just don’t understand the thinking to put your fists and bodies into the action to cause others harm. Of course there are always exceptions of defending you and yours, i am quite sure no mater how passive i am there are lines that must not be crossed and my family’s safety and well-being is one of them. Maybe i am looking at this in the wrong way maybe every one simply has a line that must not be crossed, maybe my line is just in a different place than others who choose to solve issues with violence. Very few people i feel walk about in a violent rage committing horrible crimes all the time. The guy who will shoot some one over sneakers probably wakes up some mornings happy the coco puffs box is not empty.  I guess i am not sure where i am going with this, a kind of free association trip into why road kill makes me sad and i hate gangster movies, yet others can beat and pillage  with no apparent guilt. As a final though the girl i had that sleep over with, i believe watched horror movies on a more than one occasion (she has her own blog and is a well-adjusted kind and caring person).There is no point just saying… I guess this Ferguson. Mo thing has violence on my mind i just don’t understand. I am not political, i am no activist, i stay in my little corner of our world and just try not to make anything worse.  However the day that burning things and looting shows anything beyond ignorance i will eat my hat, because ” look at the t.v. I stole in honor of  greater rights for all ”  is just B.S.

When you think you know something..

When you think you know something whether it be something basic or something in-depth, i think it is natural to alot of us to file the info away as fact. Untill at some point that fact is challenged, maybe way down the road. For some of us it is difficult to accept that just because we believed something for so long it may not be true.  When we store these facts during childhood and then they get pulled out to be examined  as adults sometimes the ” facts ” are down right silly. For example for more years than is probably good to admit i thought this

 image

Was this

image

Now as an adult its funny, but as a child it was obviously one and the same. I never asked because i thought i knew. I know question everything is a common attitude, and turning a blind eye is common as well. It’s the things you think you know that are a danger to you and others, it’s the belief that you understand, you have the awnser so you no longer seek the knowledge. Don’t stop learning, talk to the people you care about , read ,explore, experience, find answers to questions you didn’t even know you had.

Falling down the rabbit hole of online addictions….

Ahh solitaire one of my first computer based addictions. Due to the statue of limitations I feel like I can admit that most of the time I was supposed to be learning computer based German I was indeed playing solitaire. As I have grown and the internet and offline and online gaming has expanded so has my ability to effectively entertain/ distract myself with its help. I know some people who are all ” well this is fun” they play for a bit get up and run a marathon or build a house or some shit. I am more like ” I find this mildly entertaining”   Becomes unable to put it down not for even a minute. It’s not even always a game, my progression thru online/gaming addiction followed this general path…

  • Oregon trail
  • tetris
  • image
  • Mario brothers
  • Zelda
  • dr Mario
  • e-mail
  • hot shots golf
  • face book
  • cafe world
  • mafia wars
  • clash of clans
  • pintrest ( to be honest this is still ongoing)
  • hearthstone
  • This blog

This is just the ” major ones”  there were times in my life my distractions were not electronics based. My children, Books, t.v. Shows, ” going out” aka bar hopping, poker parties ( the card game gutter minds.. Lol) looming scarves, it cycles but regardless what it is or how important it felt at the time with few exceptions at one point i look up from the figurative  sand i have had my head buried in and blink owlishly and go wow i sure did waste a lot of time on __________. I hop to and begin the type of productivity i wish i had always.  The brain needs an outlet however, it needs to be able to shut down sometimes, it needs some distraction from the worries the stress the trauma and drama of the modern world.  So i strive for balance in this as i do in all things and often fail miserably…. Now back to candy crush i am on lvl 168 whoo -hoo.

A weighty issue

image

You see its not about the actual numbers on my scale or in my jeans it is the perceived self image impacting actual self worth. I can not remember one time in my life i felt comfortable with my body,  even as a small child in my brown corduroy jeans and anything helpfully labeled ” husky”  i was not happy.  Weight, looks, and self acceptance a trifecta of  lifelong insecurities.  I started trying to watch what i ate at the age of  11,  by the time i was 13 i was actively dieting.  By the time i was in high school i was already a self loathing person. The problem with poor self-image is it colors all aspects of your life. You lack the confidence to stretch beyond current boundaries, and if you do stretch beyond those self doubts and fail? … Well what did you expect fat people can’t do things like that. And the funny thing is  i would love to be as ” fat”  as i was back then.  Because i look at me and say things and i treat my self in such ways as i would not let others treat me. Because i assume you see me thru the narrow lens i view myself  i mentally block people so they can not hurt me, if i don’t let you matter then the negative way you perceive me can not matter.  I have tried the bravado the falsity of i love my self i am beautiful, some days i believe it. I am not horribly unhealthy, i try to stay active, with two kids and a farm and now a job active is inevitable.  I guess what i am trying to say is i am working on not letting my physical self  define me.  Moments when you find out you have almost no physical gag reflex  thank you powers that be from saving me from my self and that self-destructive path. Moments when your first hot air balloon ride is marred when you are easily able to hop in the basket and the guy says ” you move pretty good for a big girl”  when your child looks at you and asks why you don’t look like the t.v. Mummy’s .  Moments make up your life, but the moments that define me is the strength this body had to bear beautiful children after much difficulty. The strength in my arms to hold the ones i love. The look in my husband’s eye that says he has never seen me the way i see myself. Those are the things that let me  peel off my self-doubt walk out the door and say here i am world ( please be kinder to me then i am myself )

It was suposed to be funny…

image

I am sure it is not a surprise to any of you that frequent my blog i have  absolutely no ” writing process”. I sit down with a vague idea of something i might want to say and start typing. Its more of  an a.d.d. Mr. Toads wild ride sort of experience. But the one thing i have learned is my humor is apparently mean.  If i am trying for normal my husband ( and fully honest reviewer) says that im weird/funny. If i write a post that has  me giggling to myself ( keep in mind i am easily amused) he says things like ” that’s just harsh” or ” your mom is going to call you” or sometimes ” your Facebook friend list should become much easier to manage soon” .  I just write what I Am feeling right that moment, my blog is the portion of my brain  that slips its leash sometimes.  I have been thinking a lot about acceptance  lately  but that is a post for another day….i was often told i ” had my fathers sence of humor”  which never seemed like a compliment.  I write then i worry, i don’t think of myself as so important that i have power over how people feel. I do know however a compliment is often taken with a grain of salt and an insult or slight is fostered at the bosom of self-doubt and insecurities.  So if what you read offends i apologise, but do not recant. By not writing what i feel i am  being dishonest and i just don’t want to do that anymore. There are many lovely blogs that i have read and enjoyed several lovely blogs that were nicely layed out and having many views, and had moments of blog envy.  Mine was suddenly not good enough, but the moment passed and i realized by some standards my little blog was truly not up to snuff, but every once in a while i might make some one smile or laugh ( even if it is me) so i will just keep plugging away and try to not be too mean.

Becomeing tractor people

We bought a tractor yesterday, it is a farmall A.

image

I have never owed a tractor before, never even driven one in spite my rural upbringing.  When i sent a picture to my sister she said ” what are you going to do with a tractor!?”  To which i promptly replied ” tractor shit”.We inherited 13 acres of land with a house on it four years ago,  a family property that had fallen in disrepair. The house and the immediate area around it was our first priority, all the work ( with the exception of the septic tank) we are doing ourselves . It is a long and slow process accomplished as time and finances allow. We are not done, and to be honest as the case is with a 100 yr old house i am not sure there is a ” done”.  But the time has come to start working toward our long-term dream  of turning our  field  into  an orchard, apples, pears, peaches, berry bushes.  A place families can bring their children and experience truly fresh fruit and see where it comes from. A place my little family can work hard for and see the value of the effort in time spent together and food in the pantry, ( and goddess willing money in the bank at some point) . The field in question is horribly overgrown, full of saplings and tall grasses and lord knows what.

image

We have till fall to  get it cleared so we can get the first wave of trees in, and get the well drilled hopefully.  Its going to be a learning process, this may be  the family farm but no one who has lived here in the past three generations have been farmers. So now we have a little green house, flowers started in three different soil mixtures ( and an honest to god spread sheet to track everything because you can take the man out of the office… ), a tractor, and a wing and a prayer so to speak.  Its exciting and scary, and something i have not discussed much with people because part of me worries about it being a crazy dream.. But screw that great things happen when people dream ( and then back those dreams up with a little elbow grease).  I will keep you posted on our progress and missteps along the way, now i got some farming type stuff to do …

I have been told you are not actually lost till you run out of gas

It took me two hours to make it home from walmart once, to be fair walmart is two towns and a thirty minute drive  on a regular day. My town doesn’t have a walmart, heck we didn’t get our one and only stop light till i was in jr high.

image

 Don’t feel bad for me my town does have a lovely library with a librarian who loves kids and books,

image

a grocery store where the employees don’t just recognize you but also your children by name ( and check to make sure the kiddos are all right when they showed up with a strange man, my husband used to avoid the store like the plague.)

image

The schools here value the arts as highly as any sports, and on the fourth of July we have ice cream socials and turtle racing.  I digress however, about getting lost i tend to navigate via land mark.  Turn at the house of so and so, go past where they had that fire ten years ago, if you see the silo twisted by the tornado in 99 you have gone to far.  I’m  exaggerating of course, but not by much. When i first started dating my husband he lived in a suburb of one of the larger towns here in Kansas, and i had to make it thru the gauntlet of exits and traffic to see him on the weekends.  One of the problems with navigating via landmark is the road with the dillons only works as a direction if there is in fact only one dillons per town. I got lost so often coming to see him he just gave me a list of ” bad areas” i.e. If you find yourself on this road get gone. Some of the problem is i am not an aggressive driver( almost feels rude to pass doesn’t it? all ” your too slow looser”) so if i couldn’t get over to my exit i would end up taking a different one when i could get over often leading to lostness.  I eventually learned my way to his house no problem.  Then there was the month i was a delivery driver, it took me ten hours to do a job every one else did in six, did you know some towns have TWO 27th streets? Plus once i got the van stuck in a field ( don’t ask).

image

It had been awhile since i had gotten turned around, but i was on my way back from walmart and took a road i had taken quite a few times before but had been avoiding due to construction. The construction was done and i was cruising along looking for the old billboard that advertised left furniture, an easy landmark as that is where i turned left normally. Alas  the billboard was gone the road was now four lanes of 70 mph  clearly marked with huge signs declaring actual street names … Crap. By the time  i decided to just take the next exit i was way past, you can get lost fast at 70 mph. I waited to call my husband to let him know i was running behind untill i actually knew where i was ” you know that one auction house waaaay out there over that hill that we sold that lamp at yeeeah i just past that”  turns out i was three towns and an hour north of home go figure. I would like to say i have gotten better, however just yesterday one of my coworkers asked which way i took to work  and i told them cemetery road to the Sandhills then turn at that old gas station…. At their blank look i just said ” yeah i don’t really pay attention to street signs”  she just looked down at the street signs we had been working on making all day and laughed.