I know i have fairly often spoke of the power of food triggered memory. Well today i would like to talk about my husband , and food, and memories. He is a sweet, kind man, with a wonderful impish side. When we met i liked him right away, we had some real tough times i would not of made it thru them with out him. Almost 18 years later we are still in love, however i have not ever had a very high sence of self-worth. He would say ” your perfect” and i would very harshly stress that it was not so. I worried that he believed it and one day would figure out he had been wrong. I spent years worried i was not very good at all so i stressed and i fretted and was generally clingy and needy constantly trying to be a little better give a little more ( meanwhile becoming a yes man type of different person effectively erasing the woman he fell in love with) and i fed him ” the way to a mans heart is thru his stomach” after all. It was something i knew i could do well that made him happy. Well things got a lot real for us some while back, and we started communicating better than ever before. Enough so that i realised how much time i had wasted being less than all of me, the all of me that he picked by the way. I will not say i don’t still get some insecurities, i do and often. I will forever be my harshest critic. Today i finally tracked down a dish that he has spoken fondly of since i have known him. A foggy memory of a warm kitchen and a kindly mother of a friend cooking all day a delicious thing called gyoza. Except from a thirty year old memoire it was yoza, making it hard to find but today i did ( thank you internet).
And drum roll please it was as good as he remembered. But the surprise i have found is that somewhere along the way my feeding him had become a kind of mental lasso, an ” at least this i can do for him” it was a feeling only i had but it was a very real however unacknowledged thing. But today, today it was an act of love a pure desire to make him something special and it tasted twice as good because of it.
Despite the fact i went to the liquor store the next town over( stupid dry town) and bought ouzo instead of sake so the recipe didn’t get followed quite right.