So anyway siri and my husband has a lot in common

imageSo yesterday as i was rushing around to get out the door at 3:10 in the afternoon i realized i was trying to pull my appearance up to the level most people wouldn’t awnser the door in. But it was an Eeyore type of grey gloomy day and i thought i should write this down. But because i was rushing out the door i thought i would let siri type it for me. This is what she wrote….. Hey you know how you’re fixing to go somewhere and all of a sudden you realize you’re still wearing the shirt you put on his pajamas the first thing this morning so they had to change her shirt and then you realized you never want to Brasilia Debron you hear what you’re comfortable Bronn you were in your sweatpants he really said anything and then realizing anything concerning. Because I don’t go with the sweatpants really don’t hang on for your big fat ass in the little voice.Is it like gas because it’s a Pansa make your ass with you.  Now i know i wander in my thoughts but damn that’s homeless screaming at pigeons crazy right there. I thought it was funny so when my husband got home i read it to him, he just looked at me like he was waiting for the punch line wtf really! Turns out siri and my husband listen with the same attentiveness he didn’t even notice a difference. Makes me wonder all those years of being told i must have forgot to tell him or i think that was a conversation in your head…….or maybe he was listening and just thought my crazy was showing.

There is a right way and a wrong way to hammer with a wrench.

imageFirst off any time i use any tools i try to do so when no one is watching, people are so damn judgey. When i left for college i received a plastic shoe box of common tools and paraphilia ( awesome gift i was quite sought after for my tools ) btw that was not sarcasm totally giving tools to college bound students. I grew up getting to play with tools while my father was working in the shop. So im not a stranger to the proper use of tools. But i don’t think its fair to pigeon  hole a tool based on its name feels like profiling to me. We have quite a few tools laying about and im the type of girl who can ignore something forever and then out of the blue it must be done now!   I am a creative impromptu type of person, i am also selectively lazy i may have the energy to fix that wonky shelf doesn’t mean i have the desire to go to the shop for the proper tool. When using tools in a non traditional way you must be selective if hammering with a wrench you must use the handle not the grippy wrenchie  part because if you do then the part you roll with your thumb to make it open and close pops out and rolls behind the toilet. And that is why im not allowed to use my husbands tools anymore,type a conformist that he is.

Wildlife and me aka who’s the real douch

imageWe live in the country, barely. Our house sits on thirteen acres on the edge of town, we have a fun selection of animals and birds i love to sit on the porch and watch. ( Turkey on swing set is always fun) and yes we do have a t.v. But nature is my favorite a lot of the times because if my mind wanders like it often does then im not plot lost when i come back. Omg t.v. For a.d.d. Marketing score five mins of show then cut to cat playing with roomba nine mins of show cut to otters or an ape in overalls ect.  Anyway nature i love it!Since we moved here i have  done a lot more crazy yelling throwing running into the yard in my Jammie’s then i ever thought i would. I in general am a very circle of life type of girl everything eats ya know. But there is this one raccoon who is quite frankly a dick, like come on to your porch and leave baby kitten parts douche baggary.  Ya i know nasty and sad HAPPY MONDAY!  Any way im not really a killer also i cant the stomach ordering a hit, so he comes and steals cat food and if i don’t have any cat food out he smears poo on the siding. I try to never leave any food about after dark so as not to attract him but im forget full and or lazy and it happens some times. Now living country adjacent we have cats( quite frankly they are a whole nother story)  so when i hear them screeching or see the raccoon i chase him off. Hear is a list of stuff i have thrown at the raccoon.  Pennies, a shoe , a hanger, a brick( this was right after the kitten incident) rocks , bb’s a bucket of swear words, match box car, cat dish, broom…..well you get the picture. My husband says we shot ” get rid of him” but he was here first after all.

Good thing my feelings are like Teflon

imageGrowing up all of us children were taught the basics of cooking, in our teen years we each had a night to cook supper. So as a newly shacking up couple i felt i had this in the bag, i can cook no problem. However as with most things in my life the problem had less to do with my skills and more to do with focus. I have the attention span of a meth a dictated humming-bird. We had received for christmas that year the modern version of an electric skillet that we loved and i had used it almost every night( plus im pretty sure we didn’t have an actual skillet at the time ahhh the good ol days) . One night after supper i forgot to turn it off, and left the plastic spatula on it, when i found it just a tiny bit later i had a puddle of plastic with a handle sticking out of it. My first impulse was a string of sons of a monkie uncles , but then lightbulb  The pan was non-stick!  so i quietly  left the kitchen when it cooled it should pop right off yay! About  one round of hots shots golf later i went back and What the hell!  it was stuck like a tick, i was dumbfounded. In fact when i tried to pick up the spatula blob by the handle the  entire pan came off the counter with it. Now when given the option to admit wrongness i almost always lead with self-righteous anger , so i stomped into the living room held the pan in the air by its ” new handle” and shouted to my not yet husband ” NON STICK MY ASS”  and that is the quote that has followed me for 15 years.  So i guess it’s a good thing im not to easily offended me and my Teflon emotions, but i have heard Teflon may cause cancer so beware.

Hoarders a cautionary tale

imageId like to start by saying i understand that hoarding is a serious problem one im pretty sure i have a touch of. But this post is not realy about hoarding it starts with my husbands need to erase anything from the dvr that says its been played. So one night while he was mercilessly deleting  other people’s shows he came across one of my guilty habits the tv show hoarders, in general i dont watch reality t.v im not that fond of reality to start with. Now i will say my watching hoarders is more of a therapy thing for this stay at home mom, most of the time i wont make it thru a full episode before hopping up shouting not in my house and randomly throwing stuff away( those pants i know i will never hem, my husbands shirt i cant get the stain from, the stupid fast food toys that live in the couch cushions ect) and then i vacuum or dust and feel so much better for over coming my desire to use this peaceful kids at school time to drink coffee and read a paranormal romance. But some times i watch and then look around at the dog fur dust bunnies and  this mornings cereal bowls in the sink and think damn im practically Charles in charge around here and so i pull up an episode of the Big Bang  curl up and relax. So i guess the moral of the story is  don’t let my husband mess with the remote because he erased a whole season of Downton Abby and that sucks chicken butt.

If you don’t know what your doing keep doing it till it works. ( or breaks then blame it on the children)

image So it is probably not a shock that i have never blogged before, crap i just relized i popped my blog cherry with no real consideration. It was pointed out to me that perhaps i should explaine the idea behind my blog and tell you more about my self. I got to admitt im feeling kinda forest gumpy when he doesnt want to get on the school buss with strangers.  But here it goes im a socialy awkward thirty something from kansas im often f.i.n.e. And perpetualy fluffy. I have pets and two children and a husband. Im a gulliable pessimist and a bit of a flipperdy jippit . And as far as what i hope you get from my blog … A laugh cuz i cant make stuff this stupid up its my life so im gonna fake it till i break it. Or something like that. I forgot to say even though i don’t know what i am doing just stick with me i didn’t know how to make apple sauce at one point now i rock at it, toss enough sugar in that bitch and its tasty stuff.

For those of you who dont hear voices

Welcome to my ” blog”  it will likely be a long wandering trip thru my  often quirky thoughts. I apologize in advance for my lack of grammar and class hold not my teachers responsable . Im kinda a concept person more than a detail oriented type and well that’s just how its going to be. Couple quick things about me since we are still in that awkward getting to know each other phase, im a mom. Boom that’s right i made humans with my naughty bits and have kept them alive in spite of themselfs. The humans not the naughty bits ( they are still alive as well btw) . I never shut up i am constantly talking, if not out loud then in my head. So i really hear voice not voices, unless im feeling bitchy in there then i might mock in a bad accent. Still probably counts as one voice though hmm damn ok  new title for those of you who don’t hear voice. 

Now it sounds like a blog for the deaf,it’s not although all are welcome here( except grammar police) i guess the in your head was implied at least it was, in my head. Wow ok any hoo welcome i hope you find my blog a funny diversion or at the very least something to make you feel better about yourself . By the end my brain will seem like baby bears portage just right, but please don’t eat my brain cuz eww zombies not my thing.not sure about portage come to think about it.