Its Mother’s Day once again, oh the feelings i have. I was raised by a caring mom who knew when to look away and step back, also when to step up and slap down. I was and am lucky. I have two beautiful children who are healthy and wonderful. So many blessings. Now for any of you who are in a rough spot you may wish to look away. I have a story to tell that hopefully will comfort some who have suffered as i have, if only because sometimes it feels like your alone. I have two beautiful children here on earth, but in my heart i have six. Pregnancy for me was not the easy thing it is for some. I don’t mean not easy like swollen feet can’t reach my shoes not easy. I mean my body refused to do what so many women’s does so naturally, carry a child to term. I suffered my first miscarriage with no explanations, the second the same. Each time it was explained away as some small thing that must have went wrong not likely to happen again. In my heart i grieved for this child who i lost, i cried real tears and suffered real pain. The third time i became pregnant we made it past the date on the calendar that said it was safe, the magic date that ment this time we would hold our child this time we could love in our arms that which we had made. He was born at twenty-five weeks after every effort to avoid it, i heard his small cry for the first and last time that day. Modern medicine was unable to circumvent what fate had in the cards. Three months later we buried our beautiful baby boy, it has been sixteen years and i still cry as i write this. A pastor came to the house to speak with us, told us we could try again ( horrible hollow words) and indicated if we had been legally married perhaps this would not of happened. That is the day my faith died. There was one more miscarriage after that, and i gave up hope. Many years later out of the blue we became pregnant again, we took every step we could and alas our wonderful daughter was born the fact that i could and might have died that day was a mere blip on my radar as i watched her grow and learn. The doctor said never again, but after five years of yearning i was pregnant once again. My water partly broke at twenty weeks, i saw it in the doctors eyes when she asked what i wanted to do. I said you do whatever you have to i want my baby. I want my baby. No less than a modern miracle i lasted three months in the hospital before she would wait no longer. Early and small she spent a month in the nicu before coming home with us. Today i watched her bumble and run at her second softball practice while her older sister complained about being bored. A happy Mother’s Day indeed. To those of you trying, the ones who have lost and the ones who have not ….Happy Mother’s Day . Hold all of your children in your hearts even if you can’t hold them in your arms.
I consider my self a gentle person. I have never purposely killed any thing larger than a spider. On Thursday on my way to work a deer suddenly and out of nowhere ran in front of me. Only one of us survived and deer dont blog so i guess you know who. I have in the past wrote of my unintended vendetta against Mother Nature. I do know that in this case both of us were surprised at the event. I was very lucky actually walking away with no injuries, and only damage that can be easily fixed. In a poof of fur and out of nowhere i ended a life. Shaken i slowed down flipped a uturn and headed back home. Slowing down to assure myself i was not leaving the animal suffering. I cringed as i passed motorist and people on the street certain there was a grisly sight hanging from my bumper, perhaps a leg or worse. I pulled all the way up to the garage so as not to let the kidlets see the physical embody ment of mommies Bambi re-enactment. In truth it wasnt as bad as i thought some fur and damage ( did you know they sell bumpers on amazon you really can get anything there). After some elbow grease on the hubby’s part im back up and running. I felt bad for the deer, but you know what someone came and took that deer.
Yep thats pieces of my car but alas no deer .
So at least it was not wasted. Funny i did on accident something many spend much time and money trying for, but i promise no more road hunting for me.
So i think of myself as a pretty boring non inflammatory person, the type that has no hidden agenda or nefarious ideas. But sometimes you are online chatting or send a text that strikes you as ” oh that sounds bad” . You know the one where you have had a bad day and say ” wish that place would burn down before i have to clock in” or something to that effect. In the time of anyone could be listening i feel the need to give a little shout out to the fact i am indeed joking. NSA or the like i hope you don’t flag me as i would feel bad for anyone wading thru countless ” what do you want for dinner? I love you. Gtg ” type correspondence there may be an occasional pic to the hubby with to much cleavage but in the time of unlimited naughty available 24/7 on-line hardly a fair tradeoff. On the up side i think the fear of being labeled a terrorist has sped up the demise of the phrase ” you’re the bomb” . So there is always an upside. Can you hear me now..? I think maybe to make it easier on the mighty ears in the cloud i will start my own little abbreviation nnjj ( not nefarious just joking) so next time you see me say something i probably shouldnt like ” time to become that crazy hermit that lets no one near armed with a gun and certainty there is gold in them there hills” itll be ok because I’ll say nnjj like the social media equivalent of bless her heart or with all due respect. Maybe its just me being me….. Do any of you ever feel the need to clarify what is clearly questionable humor as indeed humor? Do you wonder who all sees that picture you sent, that comment you made, that txt to your sister?
As i watch my Facebook feed fill up with valentines ” look what my sweetie did” followed by pictures of floral arrangements i feel a bit of dismay. I have always said flowers are a waste of money, but when i get them i squee like a vapid girl. Hmmm history aside valentines is now a day to remember the people you love, and tell them you care. It feels strange to me that we need this holiday, and to be honest i normally do not participate. I love the people i love everyday, i try to tell them often and with true feeling. Please accept this beheaded plant as a token of my love for the year seems a bit hallow. Please let me be there when you are sick, sad, lonely, have a problem, let me be there for you when you need me. Love is not i remembered to make reservations, love is i killed that spider for you because i know they scare you. So please celebrate how ever you choose, enjoy your day spread love. Tomorrow when you wake up do it again celebrate your days all of them, show your love always. Because the societal construct fueling the ” valentines machine” maybe a flawed thing, but love….. Love is everything.
So i have been struggling lately on writing a post. My mind has been empty. completely and totally void of ideas. But here’s the thing there Is a lot going on in my life right now so i know the seemingly empty ness off my mind is because i have locked down compartmentalized and hidden away anything which may cause a crack in the facade . I do this with out conscious effort and normally to horrible results. I’m working on it, i have not forgotten you my faithful followers. Thank you for supporting my writing with thoughts and words of encouragement. I will leave you with this story .
My husband: did you cook an extra potato ( upon finding a baked potato in the microwave hours after dinner)
me: yah but im sure it’s still good
husband : i didn’t say it had gone bad
me : mental image of a baked potato holding up a convenience store with a hooker on its arm
me: laughing uncontrolably
my husband: ok then
” its hard for the rest of us to be happy when your miserable all the time…” Ouch that’s a tough thing to hear. Like a physical blow even though it was said with kindness. Am i dragging the ones i love down into the dumps with me? I thought and i stewed and really reflected and then i made a choice. I am going to be happy, not pretend to be happy and bury my feelings but truly embrace happy. I think when you are depressed and or have a tendency to cycle into dark moods then at least for me if things are not perfect then they are horrible. Things are never perfect though, so then i was never happy. Being in that mind-set is a vicious cycle that self propagates misery. One week ago i made a decision to be happy. Like any addict i had to hit that low point and really see what my behavior was doing to others. I was addicted to my gloomy depressed feelings, i had to actively choose to set them aside. I am sure i will fall off the wagon time and time again, but i wake each morning knowing i have it pretty good and today i choose happy. Things will go wrong , oooo can things go wrong. Those wrong things will not be better through a depressed view-point however so i will still try for happy. Its been better since i made this step, although it may seem simplistic to many of you ( and i know sometimes happy is just a big order to fill) it is worth a try. So face the sun rise and embrace the happy. Best wishes.
Growing up it was always a special time to get mom all to ones self. Even as an ungrateful teenager it was still a silent treat hidden behind grudgingly acceptance. One night before christmas my mother and i were headed to the next town over for some shopping and girl bonding time. On the way as we followed behind a rather large semi truck a skunk ran right out getting clipped by the trucks rear wheels and then completely smashed by us. There was no time to stop just a look of horror as the wheels went thunk thunk.
The smell was epic but soon seemed not so bad. Still we were worried so at the first store we stopped at i watched my mom pull a sales lady aside and explain that we had hit a skunk and were worried we might have that odor on our persons. We were quietly assured that we did not indeed smell. In and out of every store in the mall we went. All around town and then a long and leisurely dinner. A lovely evening by all accounts. It was late as we came traipsing thru the door, my father came stumbling from my parents room a look of dismay upon his face. apparently the odor actually woke him up, it was so strong. I was sent to strip my clothes and toss them outside then showers for the both of us. thankfully that was enough to rid us of the smell, it took weeks to get it from the vehicle . To this day i cringe at the thought of being the skunk people walking by blissfully unaware of the wake we left behind that holiday season. What weird bent of politeness must that sales lady of had to look at us square in the face and say ” i don’t smell a thing” , it was a shoe store however perhaps she had lost her sence of smell long ago…
So for the new year i am trying full honesty And admitting my mistakes. It’s a bit intimidating.
In the past i have been less than honest ,and downright deceitful. These actions have hurt people and ruined good things. So 2015 is the year of truth. I started out by walking up to someone at work and apologising for a past behavior, ” i was petty and bitchy and i am sorry” it was remarkably well received and has resulted in a much more amicable work environment. Letting the truth guide you is very freeing, nothing you have to remember you said, nothing to stew in guilt over. It is not a perfect system, when i have to say ” i screened your call because i was tired and didn’t feel like answering” …. Must not of heard it ring is simpler.but why? Why is a lie more easily spoken then the truth? I think the only time its more convenient is if you believe the person you are dealing with does not care enough to hear what you are saying when faced with the truth. So i guess it’s not just a simple matter of i will be honest. It is really more ” i trust you enough to give you the truth, and hope that you care enough to hear it.” What do you think? Do you trust others with your truth? Or do you shield yourself with a falsehood?
While i wasnt watching 2014 slipped away ( seriously i wasnt watching i was asleep when the new year came). I am lucky by so many standards , i got issues sure but still lucky. I have this cycle of feeling grateful, then down trodden, then guilty for not feeling grateful, then apathetic, then, then, then. Heres the thing people have it worse sooo much worse than me. I understand that if i were fighting for life i wouldn’t have time to feel depressed or blue. People running from bears often don’t worry about being insecure either, doesn’t mean i want to go poke a bear. I know im lucky, however that my problems are still important to me. Your issues are real, my issues are real we matter! That is what i love about blogging i get to put whatever random part of me that floats to the surface out there into the world. Maybe no one cares but that’s the beauty, there are millions of blogs out there each one putting pieces of the blogger into the world to be embraced by someone like themselves ( or someone so totally different they read it like a sociological study) but its out there. It’s out there and it matters. So welcome 2015. Welcome bloggers. Welcome readers. Lets rock this like 1999!
You know how you are cruising pintrest and you see a really inspirational quote and when you click on it brings you to a website that offers a free are you depressed quiz? So you think ” why not?” You take the quiz and then they tell you your score so you compare it to the chart that helpfully says you are clinically depressed? So then you end up yelling at the screen screw you pintrest you can’t judge me! Yeah me either, also i think inspirational quotes are just a racket to make you feel worse about your total lack of ability of looking on the bright side of things.
Supposed to be cold as heck here this coming week, cold as a witches titties they say although im not sure why. I have different versions of cold weather dress. They go like this.
- Probably should have grabbed a jacket
- probably should have put on real shoes and grabbed a coat
- i don’t care what my hair looks like when i get there im putting on a hat
- full on Elmer Fudd hat and down insulated parka so hard to drive this way but too cold to care.
Hope tomorrow is not going to be a Fudd day, monday is hard enough to face.